I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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