After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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