I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sorry about my life...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
