I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
