do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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