Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
