I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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