Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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