I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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