so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
