i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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