You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize