What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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