she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
