Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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