I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
