you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
