I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
