help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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