Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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