So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
