He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
