God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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