I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
