there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
