i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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