Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
