I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
