I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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