Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
