I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
