just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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