I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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