My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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