At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
