I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
