Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
