I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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