Christians are straight up FREAKS
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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