have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
