i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
no, he came in my armpit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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