I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
