We got so high we made milksteak
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
