I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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