There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize