I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ttyl tear gas
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
