Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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