my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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