Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
