Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
