were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
