Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
