I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
