i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
