Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
