I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
