The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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