Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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