You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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