6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
