I met the friendliest cop last night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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