Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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