dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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