I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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