nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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